this is what happened to me:

[Caprice]

I am so happy and thankful for you all. Its comments like, from you all, that help me realize that I am not crazy, and that what happened is not the way life really is. It gives me a lot of strength to read the comments to what happened to me, because I've only told a few people this...incident.
Since November when I got back, I have learned so much about myself that I never knew, and I still continue to do so. One of my class mates in my art class last semester told me that our goal in life is never to understand ourselves. I thought I did understand myself with Mormonism, because with that faith, one has the (supposed) answers to everything, what they should do, how they should live, in order to "go to heaven" (the Celestial glory). But now, out of the bubble looking in, I have never felt so much peace, and so much love.


thank you all


x

[oceanic]

I'm glad you're feeling alright now, Caprice. Besides the point, I know, but the way I was biting my nails near the mid-section of your account is a testament to your skills as a writer.
I dated a Mormon once and remember her telling me that every time she shared doubts about the religion with friends, they would pull away from her. She was the kind of person that was desperate to belong and find family, and I wouldn't doubt if her so-called friends knew full-well the strategies and manipulation games they were using on her. Where's the love? The most narrow, cold, power-hungry, insecure and distorted people I ever met in my life were also the ones who claimed to have all the answers. People like to have other people do what they do and believe what they believe in order to justify the way they're living and affirm the choices they've made.

Funny you should mention that conversation you had with your fellow art student. I'm reading a book right now where several of the characters are trying to find out what it means to be human and how to lead a meaningful life. So far the most illumination they've gained came from analyzing great works of art - visual and literary. ie. Proust, Shakespeare, Michaelangelo...

Anyways, glad you're ok. You're a courageous bastard, obviously.
Take care!
Mike

[bryantm3]

i completely believe you. in the universal sense, there is a tendency in religion to stop serving God and begin to serve their own feelings of self-worth. people feel better about themselves the more they convert non-believers to their own religion, but their purpose is to make themselves feel better and claim themselves to be more worthy of God's love. it's not just mormonism, it's consistant throughout religions of the world. it's truly ridiculous that this continues to happen and experiences like this continue to turn people away from religion, when the purpose of religion is a different thing entirely; i believe it's to spread love throughout the world, whether people believe in your God or not, God still loves them.

it took a lot of gumption to write that out on here and i commend you for it. i wish you nothing but good luck in spreading the word about this. i believe that God was on your side through all your perils and that's why you didn't take the step to kill yourself. he was protecting you, and he will continue to do so.

i would write more but i'm a bit drunk and i'm also very hungry.

[Deckard]

Caprice, as others have said - what you did must have taken some serious courage. Just glad to read you got out, because no-one should have to put up with the stifling conditions and emotional manipulation (for that's what it is) from people prone to the same flaws and mistakes as any other mortal human being. I'm pleased you are free and in a better position to take charge of your life. The old cliche is true: what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

[Strangelet]

wow. all this time I thought I was the resident utah ex-mormon. pm me if you'd like to discuss with someone who *knows*

btw, I broke from the church about the same time, only I managed to do so before I got carted off to the dehumanizing experience of the mtc and the quota obsessed mission field.

How it played out for me is that I got my wisdom teeth pulled, my physical, my interviews, my hair cut and my mr. mac suit and then all of a sudden a break down not unlike yours took place in my life.

Later the bishop tried to get me to go back on the task and finish up my papers. I asked him what is the purpose of a mission, because I'll still consider it if its mainly about talking about beliefs and values with people and finding ways of improving people's lives. He said no. the purpose of a mission is to teach the gospel. period.

That was the last time I spoke to a church representative on a formal basis.

believe me, the hard part is over. And you are already proven very brave and heroic for walking away from something that is once embraced as the corner stone of one's entire existence. next is remembering what happened is not your fault and finding peace with those who will do their best to convince you otherwise.

[Caprice]

oh wow, strangelet, will do

its been a while since i have checked the forums, sorry you all, a lot has happened.

since i wrote out what happened, this has happened:

i moved out of my house

i told my dad i do not believe in the church anymore (he took it real good at first, then the following sunday he let it all out, again. only this time i knew it wasn't him who was fighting, it was not him. i just stared blankly, letting him get it all out, knowing that its only anger, he's still my dad. even though with what he said, it's been 2 weeks now, our relationship has gone to almost nothing. (my manager at where i work is gay, i work at a coffee shop, and we both have been talking about the many parallels that we have because both our dads disagree with what we're doing. funny, but im still awfully attracted to women.) i go over to the house at least every other day to check on my mom, who seems to be doing great. she isn't mormon, but she has her own problems that she is getting out of, i think because she can rest assured that her baby boy no longer believes in joseph smith. dad, on the other hand, avoids me with all possibility. i try to do things for him, and still be his son, but its like, he doesn't want me. i dont let it get to me i think, because im supporting myself and im applying to scholarships/financial aid and worst comes to worst, i'll apply for a loan to continue university this fall. im going to send in my resignation letter to the church soon)

ive had corona, sam adams boston lager, amber bock, budweiser, heineken, coors light (all in that order)

im saving up for a motorcycle or some other form of cheap transportation, im riding the bicycle in the mean time


ive noticed that the more that i make myself a priority, the more happier ive become. its really strange. the church would call this selfishness, but hey, im pretty happy.

[jOHN rODRIGUEZ]

Originally Posted by Caprice

oh wow, strangelet, will do

its been a while since i have checked the forums, sorry you all, a lot has happened.

since i wrote out what happened, this has happened:

i moved out of my house

i told my dad i do not believe in the church anymore (he took it real good at first, then the following sunday he let it all out, again. only this time i knew it wasn't him who was fighting, it was not him. i just stared blankly, letting him get it all out, knowing that its only anger, he's still my dad. even though with what he said, it's been 2 weeks now, our relationship has gone to almost nothing. (my manager at where i work is gay, i work at a coffee shop, and we both have been talking about the many parallels that we have because both our dads disagree with what we're doing. funny, but im still awfully attracted to women.) i go over to the house at least every other day to check on my mom, who seems to be doing great. she isn't mormon, but she has her own problems that she is getting out of, i think because she can rest assured that her baby boy no longer believes in joseph smith. dad, on the other hand, avoids me with all possibility. i try to do things for him, and still be his son, but its like, he doesn't want me. i dont let it get to me i think, because im supporting myself and im applying to scholarships/financial aid and worst comes to worst, i'll apply for a loan to continue university this fall. im going to send in my resignation letter to the church soon)

ive had corona, sam adams boston lager, amber bock, budweiser, heineken, coors light (all in that order)

im saving up for a motorcycle or some other form of cheap transportation, im riding the bicycle in the mean time


ive noticed that the more that i make myself a priority, the more happier ive become. its really strange. the church would call this selfishness, but hey, im pretty happy.

Glad to hear you are working through it.

I'm sure I'm one to talk, but do not give into the drink too much. If you throw up tomorrow, I TOLD YOU SO.

And always remember the positive attributes of your primary faith.

[Rog]

.....and don't write your dad off yet, he may come to accept your decision in time (well he will if he is any sort of dad and any sort of christian).
keep it real!

[patrick]

and the selfishness leading to happiness is the main theme in a recent philosophy: Objectivism, displayed well in two books: Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. Both great reads.

Not that I don't think that pure selfishness is the way to go, I definitely think that doing things for you first is a good policy, as long as it isn't too vicious/mean etc, but primarily the "golden rule" should apply, don't do anything to anyone that you wouldn't want done to you... (you can apply it to everything including "preaching" religions).


Anyways, I am glad to hear that you are doing better. It really seems like it has been a roller-coaster of a time for the past year. It seems like you have become a very strong person, and so I urge you to stay strong, with everything...

[jOHN rODRIGUEZ]

Also, give a listen to Lamb's "Stronger".

I use this when a loved one dies, but it can apply to any love lost.