does this have a name?

[Caprice]

normally i wouldnt post something like this, but im out of ideas and id rather not pay money to see a counselor:

i have some problem in meeting new people. something recently happened in my life and it has caused me to lose trust in people, or rather, to be very cynical of them and any intention they have that involves me. i dont think its because im shy, because i have no problem conversing with people, or being...a good person? im a barista at my work (not starbucks) and i have to be uppity and welcoming to people, as well as give good personality to people when i make them a drink the way they want everytime. but when it comes to meeting someone and actually putting forth enough effort to get to know them to go hang out with them, i never do, and never will unless they strike a chord with me because i absolutely cannot trust new people. unless they be coworkers, or something that involves responsibility, in which case it becomes business.

but i bring this up because my girlfriend (who doesnt understand me, which is why i post here, with reason indicated above) everytime she takes me to a party her group of people are having, if forced to stay i just roam around the house and look at the cool things the person owns rather than converse with the people. because at first i would converse with them, but after having the "shoot the breeze, where you from, what are you doing" they seem to lose interest in me and move on.

idk, it makes me angry that i cant be normal. it always puts me in a depressed mood and i feel sorry for myself.

there, now you all know. anyone want to help?

[Jason Roth]

BrotherLovesDub knows exactly how you feel.

[King of Snake]

well from your story it seems there's two things going on: first one is that you say you have lost trust in people, so that makes you reluctant to interact with people you don't really know. Second you say that when in a certain social situation where you are mingling with other people it seems to are not interested in you.
So it seems to me that you would like to have people respond with more interest to you, but at the same time you yourself are maybe making this difficult because you feel you cannot trust them.
Of course I don't know what it was that has made you cynical when it concernes other people and their intentions, but maybe that is something that you can talk to someone who is close to you about, if not your girlfriend, then maybe a family member, friend or yes even a councillor.
It seems to me that if you go into a social situation mistrusting other people they tend not to be too welcoming to you either.
Of course you don't have to (pretend to) like or be interested in everybody you meet, but at least sometimes you should be able to be genuinely interested and trusting towards other people unless they've given you specific cause not to be.

But hey, I'm certainly not always the most socially adept person myself so take everything I say with a grain of salt ;)

What I do know is that when I feel good about myself, my interaction with other people becomes infinitely much easier than if I'm feeling depressed and sorry for myself (which does happen from time to time). So if you feel that your feelings of depression and self-pity are sufficiently severe and frequent as to cause real problems in your social life, or contact with friends and family, I'd definitely think about getting some professional help or at least having a good talk with someone you can trust and confide in.

[Jan]

I think I know how you feel... except that I have had that 'condition' for as far as I can remember, but I learned to live with it and accept myself as 'normal'. Positive thinking really helps.

I just took this test:
http://www.piepalace.ca/blog/asperger-test-aq-test

It says 32 out of 50, which may indicate Asperger's syndrome... :o

[BeautifulBurnout]

I dunno. I have often wondered if my son had asperger's, because he demonstrates a lot of the traits. But on the other hand, it depends on the situation. He socialises really well with people who are "interesting", and not so well with people who he doesn't think have anything in common with him. I don't think this is a big issue really.

Some people are far better at small talk and making friends than others. I take after my Mum and will talk to anyone about anything... for ages and ages sometimes... :eek: I haven't always been this way and tended to be quite shy and lacking in self-confidence when I was younger, always worrying about what people would think of me if I said or did the "wrong" thing, but that is something I grew out of towards the end of my 20s.

My Dad, on the other hand, is far more reticent about talking to people he doesn't know (unless it is a cute woman), but is still the life and soul of the party when among people he knows well.

I have a lot of "friendships" that are actually quite shallow, when I could count my real friends on the fingers of one hand.

[cacophony]

while it certainly is possible that you're showing signs of asperger's type qualities, it may be a lot less clinical than that. you referenced that you've lost the ability to trust, and you followed up on that statement by mentioning that you have no problem socializing with coworkers because that becomes a "responsibility" or "work" thing.

it sounds like you've come to associate social interaction with vulnerability. there's something in you that you don't want anyone else in the world to touch. hell, you may not want anyone else in the world to see it, much less touch it. you've built a wall around yourself to keep this thing safe from the outside world, safe from exposure. the easiest way to prevent exposure is to restrict your interaction with people so that it never progresses beyond the superficial. as soon as the superficiality is breached, you run the risk that your wall will be breached. thus, a quick recoil and a serious disinterest in furthering the social interaction. your sense that people lose interest in you after the initial "getting to know you" chit chat may be a projection of your own feelings. or perhaps you're a bit more overt with your growing discomfort than you realize, and your conversation partners choose to disengage when they pick up your vibes.

ultimately the only way to get to the bottom of it is to try to figure out what it is that you're protecting from the outside world. which is easier said than done. you mentioned that you want to avoid counseling, but frequently having someone to talk with about your feelings is the best way to get to the bottom of your issues. and your girlfriend isn't enough. she's there to love you and support you, not be your therapist. it might be beneficial to your relationship if you do decide to seek some counseling because your girlfriend won't have to be the one bearing the burden of your soul-searching.

just my 2 cents. armchair analysis.

[holden]

Hey Caprice,

Lots of good advice and opinions already posted. I'll add my own, more as a show of support than anything scientific. As someone who has struggled depression for years, I know that having someone say, "it'll get better in time" or recounting their own situation is of little use. So i'll stay on your situation.

I agree with what was said already about not reading too much into your feelings as being symptoms of a syndrome or mental illness. Some people are just naturally melancholy or introverted, and that's fine. Social situations with new people, especially established circles of friends are challenging to most people, whether they show it or not. Sounds like you're at leat extroverted enough to function in your job that requires a superficial friendliness, but the making of meaningful relationships requires a trust and an effort you're not prepared to deal with now.

One thing that i got from recent behavioral counselling (whereby you do practical things to work out difficulties rather than the style of conselling where you just dish and cry...both have their merits, but anyway), is:
Make a list of your "Narcisistic Injuries": That is, the people or situations that have hurt you, write them down! Get it out! We're all carrying emotional baggage that have hurt our ego or even affected our behavior. It's good to just think about where these injuries came from, in concrete terms rather than the accumulated feelings. But then, you take this imaginary open letter and destroy it, with the conviction that you will not let those injuries affect you any more. It sounds a lil cheesy, i know, but it actually feels pretty cathartic. It might also be good discussion with your girlfriend, as it will help her understand where you're coming from.

Hope this helps, man!

[viddy]

I've found that confidence, and just being comfortable in your own skin, and understanding that your emotions and your consciousness are two separate things is the key.

When I moved to LA, my confidence was at an all time low. I was in a new city and I knew no one. I rarely went out and socialized, and when I did it was the same situation that you're having Caprice. I would often lose interest in the people at the party, perhaps because they lost interest in me or whatever.

After being here for a year and a half, I'm starting to feel much more confident in myself, and much more comfortable in my own skin. With that, I've found myself starting to take a more active interest in people when I'm talking to them, and neither of use lose interest as often as we used to. I don't care about trust anymore because I'm more confident in myself, and I don't feel I have to trust anyone (outside of business that is). If they don't like me or whatever, then f*** 'em, I'll move on. They'll just have to deal with it. I'm starting to feel that way in general. I don't care if they think I'm weird or whatever, cause I'm comfortable with myself. I'm totally cool being "weird", I've just accepted that is who I am.

When I say "your emotions and your consciousness are two separate things", I mean that I could be feeling vulnerable or betrayed by someone, but I consciously understand that that's what my emotions are feeling, and I consciously understand that I need to just ride out the emotions until they subside and run their course. I'll sleep on it for a day or two and I'll usually feel back to normal in a day or so.

I also find parties are a bit shallow. I really tend to enjoy the deeper conversations about life, and art, philosophy, etc etc. Parties tend to have shallower conversations about who/what/where. Less of the good stuff, and instead more drinking and dancing. I think you just have to accept parties, and going out to the bar for what it is. I really hate all of the boring effort bullshit you have to put forth when meeting new people. But like I was saying above, being comfortable with myself, I find that I'm starting to take a bit more active interest in other people, even if I'm only going through the conversational motions of "meeting people".

And I still find it very rare that I really strike a chord with someone.

Hope that helps or makes you feel not so alone. :)

[Caprice]

it sounds like you've come to associate social interaction with vulnerability. there's something in you that you don't want anyone else in the world to touch. hell, you may not want anyone else in the world to see it, much less touch it. you've built a wall around yourself to keep this thing safe from the outside world, safe from exposure. the easiest way to prevent exposure is to restrict your interaction with people so that it never progresses beyond the superficial. as soon as the superficiality is breached, you run the risk that your wall will be breached. thus, a quick recoil and a serious disinterest in furthering the social interaction. your sense that people lose interest in you after the initial "getting to know you" chit chat may be a projection of your own feelings. or perhaps you're a bit more overt with your growing discomfort than you realize, and your conversation partners choose to disengage when they pick up your vibes.



i think you hit it right on the money.

[Caprice]

I also find parties are a bit shallow. I really tend to enjoy the deeper conversations about life, and art, philosophy, etc etc. Parties tend to have shallower conversations about who/what/where. Less of the good stuff, and instead more drinking and dancing. I think you just have to accept parties, and going out to the bar for what it is. I really hate all of the boring effort bullshit you have to put forth when meeting new people. But like I was saying above, being comfortable with myself, I find that I'm starting to take a bit more active interest in other people, even if I'm only going through the conversational motions of "meeting people".

And I still find it very rare that I really strike a chord with someone.

Hope that helps or makes you feel not so alone. :)

i think ive lost all confidence in myself after what happened as well. what happened is a very long story, and me, and religion. i dont think the smoke with ever clear. maybe in 15 years or so. and today! or yesterday rather. my girlfriend right? well, we never had the title of boyfriend/girlfriend. we were friends, and we became closer, and closer, and closer, until finally, we ended up just doing what boyfriends and girlfriends do together without having the title, even the physical part so you all know im not just, exaggerating. i asked her yesterday for the title. i wanted to be her actual boyfriend, i wanted us to be an actual couple. without hesitation she says its best if we stayed friends. she was almost, enthusiastic about it. i bursted into tears, because every person i apparently let into my life, i get close to. they end up giving me the raw end and throwing me through a loop.
im so sick right now with myself

[viddy]

i think ive lost all confidence in myself after what happened as well. what happened is a very long story, and me, and religion. i dont think the smoke with ever clear. maybe in 15 years or so. and today! or yesterday rather. my girlfriend right? well, we never had the title of boyfriend/girlfriend. we were friends, and we became closer, and closer, and closer, until finally, we ended up just doing what boyfriends and girlfriends do together without having the title, even the physical part so you all know im not just, exaggerating. i asked her yesterday for the title. i wanted to be her actual boyfriend, i wanted us to be an actual couple. without hesitation she says its best if we stayed friends. she was almost, enthusiastic about it. i bursted into tears, because every person i apparently let into my life, i get close to. they end up giving me the raw end and throwing me through a loop.
im so sick right now with myself

Wow, that is truly shitty. When you thought your relationship was a certain way, whether is was spoken or unspoken, with or without the title, and found out she didn't think of it that way is truely aweful. I would feel exactly the same way. I think it's the "afraid of commitment" thing. She doesn't seem to like the idea of being attached for some reason, which is something that she needs to work out for herself. She obviously has something for you that's more than a friendship. Her actions of the last whatever months/years prove that. There just seems to be something keeping her from feeling comfortable saying that you're "together". Of course I don't have much serious relationship experience, so I can't say I'm an expert.

[Caprice]

no, i think youve got it there. youre right.

[wow, i forgot how great advice everyone has on these forums. its like. idk, ive been a member since the old forums, before we all had to register again. but man, no matter what ive gone through, moving out west for 8 months, 5 months living in mexico. its like, dirty is still there. the people who i guess take notice are still there. like, a travellers forum, an on the go, no dedication, no matter what forum]

but yea, i think your right viddy. personal problems on the forum again. but hey, if not you all, then who else.

[holden]

Hey Caprice,

So sorry to hear some of the details of your situation. That sounds like such a blindside to you. I'm sure everyone has a case of unrequited love, which sucks, but usually is clearly one-sided. but in your case, you were deeply invested and it appeared to be a mutual relationship. Afaikt, she's either being scared or selfish. No offense to her. But you shouldn't feel sick about yourself...it wasn't as though you were imagining things, she was clearly sending the signals.
I hope you can take some pride in expressing to her how you feel and despite the reactions of you both, you have both learned something fundamental about each other. It may be the tie that binds you stronger together. Or if not, it's better to find out now than years down the road.

-holden

[viddy]

I miss some of the personal connections you get out of threads like this. I feel like dirty has had far less personal connections in the past 3-4 years.