...i felt like i had to tell someone.

bryantm3 · #1 09-01-2010, 07:34 PM

so something happened tonight, and i thought 'my gosh, what are my friends going to think? i can't tell them.' it would be such an embarrassing thing to tell them about my health. and think what it would do to my social life?

i mean, i don't often have these problems. i mean, not usually. i had a false alarm a few years ago, but nothing serious. but tonight, i was sure i had one of those health issues... i think you know what i mean. if you're easily offended, you might want to stop reading now.

so it all started about thirty minutes ago. i really had to go, badly. so, i ran into the bathroom and sat down on the john. it was relieving to finally be able to go after such a long day. that's when i looked down and saw it...

well, not exactly a dog, but... well actually it did sort of look like that dog.

to put it in blunt terms, i had green poo. not like, "hey that's sort of like peat moss, or that ugly shade of forest green everyone thinks their office should be painted to imply professionalism," we're talking like super-green. like, this is going to give everyone within a 3 mile radius some weird form of nose cancer. we're talking "i'm going to look in the mirror and find out i look like this:"

so i sat there in complete shock. what could be wrong with me? have i caught a rare form of tobacco mosaic? am i growing a tree on my head?? what if this is an early sign of cardiac failure? or worse, WHAT IF SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY BEEN SLIPPING ME SALAD IN MY SLEEP?

i thought and thought and thought. what have i done over the past few days to cause this? was it that hobo that assaulted me on the subway? (okay, i hit first, but that's a completely different story.) no, that couldn't be it. what about a few nights ago when i drank eighteen shots of jamaican rum and woke up the next morning in my neighbor's bed wearing lederhosen? (don't worry, he wasn't home, and he thought he left the sack of potatoes in the bathtub himself when he came back)

the happiness was short lived...

no, it couldn't be, because the rum wasn't green. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF? AM I GOING TO DIE?

...then i remembered that i woke up hungry this morning and had three bowls of dollar store knock-off froot loops and went back to bed.

hey! i wasn't violating kashrut! see the kosher symbol?

so then i got up and decided that it was time for me to retire for the night. this has been one heck of an adventure. the lesson? hell, don't ask me.

holden · #2 09-01-2010, 08:06 PM

dig it. Poo is always funny for me.
Check out the Bristol Stool Scale and impress your friends by coming back from a No. 2 and announcing that it was a 5.5 on the BSS.

bryantm3 · #3 09-01-2010, 10:40 PM

yeah, it was a bit of low-brow comedy i created last night... most of it is not true of course. tis a shame, i figured more people would find it funny.