Winter Olympics. An Open Letter

chuck · #1 03-01-2010, 02:52 AM

Dear IOC.

At the next winter olympics can you make up some more events that involve flames, explosions and sonic booms. That would keep the athletes warm, and make for more exciting TV. At the very least, can we launch the 4-man bobsleigh teams from like a rail-gun or something. It's not healthy looking at all that ass. Just bolt the fat boys in - fire them out the cannon, and start the clock.

Also, in that Nordic Combined event, can they do the 1000km cross-country skiing first, then without changing their skis or stopping, go straight across the finish line into the ski-jump section. The landings would thus be far more interesting IMHO.

Possibly add in a "shooting section" mid-jump, you know where they had to aim and hit a target towed behind a helicopter or something. Or insist on an aerial option, with points for difficulty - like in the diving. I think you'll find an arrangement like that would mean more fans of Jackass! would watch the Nordic Combined.

Although Nordic Combined as it currently exists makes absolutely no fucking sense at all - I do think you might be onto something by combining random events into seemingly continuous "sporting" sequences.

Super-G-downhill-snow-pipe-jetski-ice-dancing?

Curling-luge-snowmobile-cross?

Seriously, get those X-games types involved - to really mess with everyone's heads.

Finally, randomly locking the start gates without telling the snow boarders or the skiers which one is locked, is an excellent way to make the races more competitive. Oh how I laughed when that French snowboarder almost knee-capped himself when his gate jammed. He was ROFLing as well - especially when the race wasn't re-run. He understood that as long as sport (or a Canadian) is the winner on the day, then it's all OK.

On the plus side - the costumes and lycra are ace. The medals were freaking huge - can they be made even bigger next time - like Flavor Flav's clock-size maybe??

The hockey was great, but more fights would be better.

Thanks for listening.

Chuck

froopy seal · #2 03-01-2010, 05:04 AM

Brilliant assessment, chuck! I lil'ed hard.

Just one tiny request for the follow-up: I'd be very happy if you could manage to mention "luge" and "Georgia" somewhere in there.

Eikman · #3 03-01-2010, 05:56 AM

surprisingly, i watched more of it than ever before, probably because over here it was on telly every evening from 6 pm to midnight. but yeah, some parts are pretty dull (on the other hand, it's the same with the summer olympics, isn't it?). short track is annoying as hell, get rid of it! it's just speed skating for little people (i.e. asians)! i also lol'd because austria was so bad in the alpine disciplines. PWNED!

bas_I_am · #4 03-01-2010, 07:45 AM

I'm sorry, were the Olympics held recently?
Did I miss something?

Dunwho · #5 03-01-2010, 07:47 AM

brilliant

chuck · #6 03-01-2010, 11:53 PM

To be honest - I watched very little of the winter olympics.

The few bits I did watch in highlight reels and news wrap-ups just confused me.

I mean, really - wtf is "Nordic Combined" - the two parts don't even connect - they're not a sport - they're two totally separate events stuck together. These Nordic countries must be really, really dull places if this event is the high point on the calendars.

And snow/ski-cross?! Please, they're just making random shit up and calling it "sport".

Where's the sport factor in these downhill snow/ice events - mostly it's gravity doing the work. Contestants just strap in and hold on.

Don't get me started on ice dancing. It's dancing ffs! The clue is in the title - it's not a sport - it's dancing. Where's the ice hip-hop section? I look forward to "Skate Up to the Ice 2" coming next summer.

Enough ranting.

Congrats to the Canadians. And everyone who didn't rip their lycra tights.

Eikman · #7 03-02-2010, 03:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuck

Where's the sport factor in these downhill snow/ice events - mostly it's gravity doing the work. Contestants just strap in and hold on.

i suppose the trick is not to let gravity get the best of you. i mean, racing downhill with up to 130 km/h on a rock-hard ice/snow surface takes a tiny bit of skill (and a pair of balls) i would imagine.

froopy seal · #8 03-02-2010, 05:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eikman

i suppose the trick is not to let gravity get the best of you. i mean, racing downhill with up to 130 km/h on a rock-hard ice/snow surface takes a tiny bit of skill (and a pair of balls) i would imagine.

... and lots of backbone...

*SCNR*

Dunwho · #9 03-02-2010, 07:41 AM

I have to say i thought the winter olympics were extremely entertaining. The Ski Cross... i think thats what its called... when four people go head to head downhill was fucking great TV especially when they crashed...

and the skeleton/luge/bob was equally entertaining... especially when they crashed...

Oh and the Short Track was sort of like baseball... nothing really happens for ages then someone crashes at the last bend and takes out 5 people with razor sharp blades...

crashes are entertaining...

thus winter olympics are entertaining

chuck · #10 03-03-2010, 11:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dunwho

I have to say i thought the winter olympics were extremely entertaining. The Ski Cross... i think thats what its called... when four people go head to head downhill was fucking great TV especially when they crashed...

and the skeleton/luge/bob was equally entertaining... especially when they crashed...

Oh and the Short Track was sort of like baseball... nothing really happens for ages then someone crashes at the last bend and takes out 5 people with razor sharp blades...

crashes are entertaining...

thus winter olympics are entertaining

Sweet.

I've no problem with that. Just call it the crash games - or Nascar on Ice.

It's not sport - it's entertainment.