[stimpee]

what a mess at newcastle

A WISE CHOICE

He hunted at the start, he hunted through the middle and he hunted
towards the end - yes, in his quest to unearth a replacement for
Kevin Keegan as Newcastle manager, Mike Ashley truly left no page
unturned in Dennis Wise's address book. And all that hard leafing
today bore fruit as Newcastle proudly announced that the man charged
with dragging them up the Premier League is Joe Kinnear. You know,
Joe Kinnear! The badger-looking bloke last seen scurrying away from
Nottingham Forest in 2004 with his tail between his legs.

"I am very excited about the challenge in front of me at Newcastle
United," said Kinnear after putting pen to a confidence-inspiring
one-month contract. "Results have not been great of late, but there
is a lot of quality in the squad and I am very confident the players
are capable of climbing the league table," he continued, cleverly not
making it clear whether he was still talking about Newcastle.

Though Wise had left Wimbledon before Kinnear took charge of them in
1992, the perceived connection between the pair is sure to have the
Toon Army up in flabby arms. "The fans will be disappointed, I
understand that, but I can't do anything about it," wibbled Kinnear.
"I will just be doing my very best because I am desperate to get back
into the game. I will be going up to Newcastle on Monday and will
pick the team from then. It is a big challenge but one I am really
looking forward to."

Kinnear hopes that if he defies expectations by transforming the
team's fortunes, the plonkers who buy Newcastle may just keep him at
the helm. That would mean spurning the obvious choice, a man who has
previously masterminded a sensational revival for the club: Uri
Geller. "Newcastle had not won a game in 29 matches," gushed Geller
in December 1991, before explaining how he ended that run by
conjuring victory over Arsenal. "Two plus nine is 11. While they were
scoring the winning goals I was running around outside the ground 11
times to lift the hoodoo. I had arrived late and had no ticket. But
the moment I got out of the car and touched the Highbury Stadium, Ray
Parlour was sent off."