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-   -   you (https://www.borndirty.org/forums/showthread.php?t=10959)

bryantm3 06-02-2010 02:14 AM

the air between us is rife with things no one can see,
a tension where steel cables pull apart with a little twang like dental floss,
and the only thing that can hold on is that little glimmer of light that sparks and diffuses,
but never goes out,
as hermes races against time and space
knowing that even he cannot catch that little beam of light,
but he knows he can see it fading,
forever destined to sit in an abandoned parking lot,
as asphalt cracked by age and weeds
tell the tale of reunification
and the shadows begin to engulf the world into night
as the glowing taillights of your audi fade into the dim purple twilight.

bryantm3 09-14-2010 11:01 PM

Re: you
any thoughts anyone? i'd like to know what y'all think about this poem.

Andrea 09-15-2010 09:13 AM

Re: you
You mean not the 3 circles...

but four?
Ok, I just ordered my A5 so I like it :D

Joke aside, is it your lyrics?

absolute zero 09-16-2010 11:38 PM

Re: you
so it's an audi commercial? i don't get it.

bryantm3 09-17-2010 03:50 AM

Re: you
yes, it's mine. the audi, this girl i had a thing for drove an audi. it's sort of a bitter, sad poem. i couldn't write it now because i don't feel the same way, but it was how i felt at the time. just insert anger, resentment, rejection, jealousy, etc. between the lines.

stimpee 09-25-2010 08:21 AM

Re: you
Just wondering why this is in the Bound forum, and not in the Craft forum, in the poetry thread.

bryantm3 10-03-2010 02:42 AM

Re: you
just wondering why everything has to be so organized. underworld's music isn't entirely traditional or organized, so why should the forum be?

plus, think about it. who's gonna click on 'the poetry thread'? when it comes down to it, not many people like poetry or seek it out.

poetry as a medium shouldn't be confined to poetry clubs and english teachers, it should be used as a means of communication. for example, why couldn't 'familiale' by jacques prévert be in the world forum, or my poem be in the noise forum, etc.? poetry is a part of life, like music, or politics, or science. it should be openly discussed and presented as a piece unto itself, rather than being forced to reside in 'the poetry corner'. poetry has started wars, brought people together, posed ideas, asked questions, all throughout history. it shouldn't be relegated to reside in one place where people have to seek it out.

BrotherLovesDub 04-21-2011 03:28 PM

Re: you
i don't hate your poem but i don't love it either. i think the last line would be better if you removed 'of your audi'. i also think the reference to hermes would be better if the theme was carried on in the poem. as it is, that reference seems forced. weeds don't crack pavement, weeds grow in cracks after the pavement has been damaged. there has to be a better (more poetic?) way of saying 'but he knows he can see it fading'. it's just not a very good sentence/line. i think you've got a good idea and a couple good lines but you really need to work on a rewrite to make it coherent.

BrotherLovesDub 04-21-2011 03:30 PM

Re: you
i bet you could make your point with half as many words

Andrea 04-22-2011 02:14 PM

Re: you
and I just wonder how he feels about the Audi girl today?

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